Ahoy loyal members of the ALA as you are probably all aware there is a little thing coming up called the presidential election. Some of you may have heard about it. Anyway as a good red blooded American it is my personal duty to try and convince everyone I know to vote for my preferred candidate. Now some of you may be thinking “I want to vote for a man who has rugged, non apelike good looks. I want to vote for a man who is the complete opposite of George Bush I want to vote for John Kerry!” and if you are thinking this then you are a moron. Others of you are thinking “I want to vote for a man with rugged, apelike good looks. I want to vote for a man who is completely similar to George Bush; I want to vote for George Bush!” If you are thinking this then you are also a moron. Everyone should vote the way I am voting, and I am voting this election for popular movie actress Halle Berry. Now I am quite sure that President Berry, ha ha ha what a dumb name, deserves your vote as well as mine, she is the ideal candidate for Presidency. Take the example set up by Arnold, whose last name I cant spell but he is the governor of California, he is doing wonderfully as governor, or at least he is as far as I can tell without ever reading or watching the news, so I decided to list all of his skills and political talents and compare them to Holle Berry’s. Arnold 1) Really Strong (1 point) 2) Starred in all 3 Terminator movies (1 point) 3) Saved some surfer from drowning in real life (-1 point) Total=1 point Halle 1) Super Hot (1 point) 2) Willing to take off her shirt for poorly thought out “B” rated movies like “Swordfish” (49 points) 3) That is all (0 points) Total=50 points Now quite obviously Holle’s skills are about 50 times better then Arnold, so logically since Arnold is the king of one state Holle should be king of fifty states, thus she should be President. She should be President for other reasons too, besides just being fifty times better then Arnold, Holle could make America a respected nation and a valued ally world wide, in fact her mere existence as president of the United States would force us into a new golden age of diplomacy, all the impoverished third world dumps we currently exploit for cheap labor would grow to love us, not hate us. Why you ask? It is due to a complicated psychological effect I like to call the “Video Game Gender Effect”. I am a veteran of countless video games, many of which have been played on a new contraption called, “the internet” and I have noticed a strange and wonderful thing about video games played with other people. If five guys are playing a video game in a very short amount of time a deep hatred will grow and fester inside each guy for every other player. It will at first begin with a yearning desire to kill their video game avatars but rapidly expand to an intense obsession to inflict a slow painful death on opponents’ entire families. This is quite natural and normal, but in the same video game if a girl would start to play the objectives of the game would shift, from murder to wooing, impressing, or talking to the female player. Do you see the point I am making? If not you are probably black, you should look into getting that fixed. It is my intention to take advantage of the video game gender effect on a global scale. I think we can all agree that every stereotype is completely true and one hundred per cent accurate and so I am quite correct in saying that all politicians are lecherous old men. All these old men are basically playing a big game, and this is the source of countries hating each other, everyone playing the game is a man. Enter Holle Berry, immediately countries will drop whatever foolish agendas they are following and abandon their population to poverty and general destruction to only impress our leader, and our country. It is a win-win situation for us, we get what we want, the respect and admiration of worthless third world labor camps, and the foreigners will get the shaft big time, we win twice like I said. Now if you are a guy just think to yourself, the president will be on TV a lot over the next 4 years, several minutes at least, maybe even hours. Now do you want some ugly old man on taking up precious television time, or some super hot girl who can’t keep her clothes on for longer then a few minutes (the only movie with Halle Berry I have ever seen is swordfish, but I saw the previews for cat woman and I know she had to be naked almost entirely throughout that move). Now if you are a girl then get back in the kitchen, you shouldn’t be voting anyway, but if you do vote then vote for Halle Berry after all isn’t it every feminists dream to see a woman president? Equality for women is what this is all about; now go make me some dinner. Oh and if by any chance some pathetic loser skilled with MS paint takes it into his or her head to create a neat poster featuring that one topless picture of Holle Berry with the words “Berry for President” written somewhere on it then email it to me at the address edgarrr@rock.com and I will post it right here, where this paragraph is.