In this time of growing turmoil, we here at the ALA have done our best to alert the general public to the swelling ranks of the horrid Liger Army. Though we valiantly fight the liger scourge, there may come a time when the ordinary citizen may find themselves face-to-face with the walking terror that is the liger. An unprepared citizen might ask himself, shortly before being eviscerated, "What the fuck? I thought ligers were sterile! What the fuck should I do?" You see, surviving a liger attack requires knowledge if you - like most ordinary citizens - lack pure unadultered awesomeness.
Now, let's first dispel a few myths. As has been made clear already, ligers are not sterile. You shouldn't waste precious milliseconds being surprised at that fact. Those milliseconds could mean the difference between survival and being reduced to a thin red slime spread all over the floor. Second - and this one's important - few people can evade, much less run away from ligers. As the French have proven time and again, running only yields humiliation and will forever affix you with the label, "cowardly pussy." For those citizens who routinely carry firearms with them, let it be known once more that they are utterly useless against a rampaging liger. Lest the firearm in question already have been converted to fire harpoons, it's best to avoid brandishing a firearm during a liger attack: it can only serve to further enrage it. Lastly, if you are so monumentally stupid that you think to attempt common animal evasion tricks (like playing dead, or making yourself seem bigger and yelling a lot) read no further. You've mastered liger survival, just do your thing... for the good of mankind.
Back to the question at hand, how do you survive a liger attack if it can't be escaped? The best way to survive a liger is, of course, to kill it. Sure, you could just maim or incapacitate it. Keep in mind, however, that ligers are vengeful creatures, and if left alive will likely track you down in the future with all the burning hatred a liger can exude. But, you ask, I'm not a qualified harpoon-man, how could I possibly fight a liger? Though your chances of survival are but a fraction of that of a harpoon-man and are by no means guaranteed by this brief guide, there is still hope. Preparation is key. It is critical that you keep a harpoon near you at all times, and that you keep a supply of liquid awesome with you to make up for that which you inherently lack. We realize that it may not be possible to have a harpoon with you at all times in places such as your workplace or an educational institution. It is therefore imperative that in these scenarios you keep track of items that can be fashioned into crude harpoons. For instance, one could break the corner off of a ruler or yard/meter stick. One could mimic the harpoons of old and assemble one using a tree branch, a sharp, pointed rock, and shoelaces to bind the two together. Harpoon aesthetics won't save you in a liger attack, only functionality matters. It should also be noted here that the number of prongs on the harpoon also does not matter. If the citizen in question has a family, it's critical that all family members be educated in basic anti-liger warfare and know the location of harpoons in the house. Some citizens have opted for liger-sensing hardware as a warning system of sorts, but increasingly these are unreliable, as only careless or extremely arrogant ligers trigger such devices. Do not expect such equipment to be of much help. The best way to detect a liger is to have keen senses, or to look for the tell-tale signs of liger presence. These include large swaths of destruction, bloody piles of human remains, and the frantic cries of fleeing people and mauled children. An unnaturally high presence of zoo employees, especially those who like to quote the Bible, should also be taken as a warning sign, as they traditionally betray humanity and embrace ligers. One such zoo employee, a Dr. Sellman, has already unwittingly confessed on our guestbook to personally copulating with lions in order to advance the liger cause, in addition to providing profiling data:
"I am shocked and appalled. I have spent the last 18 months collecting captive lion semen to crossbreed with Lola (our female tiger here at the Norfolk Zoo of Virginia) to no avail."
It is only natural that one be shocked and apalled after being molested by captive lions for 18 months for no reason. Though Dr. Sellman's case may be extreme, we nonetheless also suggest you watch for zoo employees covered in lion semen and/or with a bow-legged walk.
If you are adequately prepared and consequently have lived long enough to wield a harpoon, douse yourself and the harpoon with liquid awesome. While some have reported success ingesting liquid awesome, the harpoon still needs to be covered in it, so for the purposes of expediency external application is best. When done, engage the liger using only basic thrusts, unless you have some degree of martial arts or harpoon-man training. Throwing the harpoon is inadvisable for untrained citizens except as an absolute last resort. Keep in mind that you must aim your harpoon attacks ahead of the liger to compensate for its overwhelming speed, otherwise the best you'll do is displace its tail. While many famous harpoon-men have yelled battle cries when combatting ligers, it is entirely optional, but we recommend that those with puny, high-pitched whiny voices abstain from doing so. If you do manage to miraculously impale a liger with the harpoon, do not pause to contemplate your stunning change of fate. Keep stabbing until it appears to be dead, then call it sterile. If the liger snickers, resume stabbing. If possible, incinerate the liger. Once done, contact your nearest ALA member to report the attack and to get credit for killing a liger. And finally, unless you welcome more liger attacks, it's best not to keep liger remains as a trophy. Instead, we recommend selling the corpse to your local fur trader. If there's anything better than a dead liger, it's getting money for the fur of a 'rare' animal.
Oh, and as an aside to Dr. Sellman, I voted for Ann Coulter with Karl Rove as VP. Whaddaya think of THEM apples, bitch?