Dirk Phoenix SPACE RACER Scene 1: Spaceport (5 Space vehicles zoom past) Space Announcer 1: It lloks like Zolctar the Defiant is going to win by a landslide for the fifth consecutive time! Announcer 2: Yep, it doesn't look like there's much hope for any of the other racers. (As ships zoom by one is knocked off course into oblivion) Announcer 1: Wait! It looks like someone's making a move from behind! car Announcer 2: Unbelievable! Isn't that Dirk Phoenix! Announcer 1: Yes, Dirk Phoenix! The only human Space Racer! space (Dirk grapples with another racer for a moment before it is knocked away and blows up) ground Danny: Go Dad! Sancho: Arriba, Sr. Phoenix! car Dirk: Allright, it's time to kick it into overdrive! Shaniqua: Mmmmm Hmmmm, don't you be talkin that way to me! Dirk: Oh, Shaniqua, your shenanigans will one day be the death of us. space (guy in 2nd place pulls along Zolctar) Zolctar's car Zolctar: Fool! I am Zolctar the Defiant! No one passes me on the right! space (Zolctar destroys 2nd place guy) (Dirk starts gaining on Zolctar) Announcer 1: Phoenix is gaining on Zolctar! Zolctar's car Zolctar: What??!! Space (Dirk pulls along Zolctar and flips him off) car Shaniqua: Oh no you didn't, cracka! Mmmmm hmmm! space (Dirk and Zolctar grapple for a while but Dirk pulls ahead right as they cross the finish line) ground Danny and Sancho: Huzzah!! Yay! Woo hooo! Announcer 2: I don't believe it! Dirk Phoenix has won the championship space race!!! Announcer 1: This is a stunning upset! (Dirk gets out of the car) Sancho: Excelente! Tu carro es muy rapido! Asi Asi! Danny: Congratulations, pops. Dirk: Yes, son. Someday you too will be a great space racer. Danny: Dad, I don't want to be a space racer, I want to- Dirk: Hold that thought, son. I've got a trophy to collect. (Dirk walks up to some sort of throne or something) Smelrag: Dirk Phoenix, I Smelrag with the power vested in me as Emperor of Space Canada award you the Dynaflex, jewel of Champions, eh! I will now repeat myself in French. (random French gibberish) (Smelrag gives Dirk the Dynaflex, which he then holds up. It transitions to Dirk holding the Dynaflex in the next scene) Scene 2: Dirk's study (bottom of screen says "6 years later") (Dirk is drinking from a bottle of Jack Daniels) Dirk: Jack Daniels, you're my only friend. Jack Daniels: Thanks buddy. You're my friend too. Dirk: No problem, Jack. Cheers. (They toast) (Sancho enters) Sancho: Aye caramba! Senor, tu necistas go to clase. It started cinco minutos ago! Scene 3: Classroom (Dirk is writing something on the chalkboard) Dirk: Here is the proof of time and space. Here is the 3rd dimension. Here is the 2nd dimension. And this is the 1st dimension. And this is time, swirling all around. Any questions? Class guy: Excuse me, Professor Phoenix. I was wondering, are there such things as aliens? Dirk: Heh heh heh, you stupid bastard. There's no such thing as aliens or galactic empires or space races where the bravest of the brave test their will against one another for the honor and glory of victory!! (Class guy looks puzzled) Scene 4: Throne room (Text: Meanwhile in the halls of Space-Canada palace) Jimmy: I present to the imperial court, the King of Chocolate Planet. Smelrag: Hey dere, Kingy. I betch yur wonderin what dis is all about eh? King: The movie? I thought it was about Space racing? Smelrag: Not really, but I meant why I summoned you here. King: Oh. Yeah. What do you want? Smelrag: Well, funny thing. It just so happens that the people of Chocolate Planet turn into gold after they die. I was hoping to purchase the rights to defile and steal from the graves of your deceased friends and family. And one day... you. King: Uhhhhhh, no. Are you retarded, Smelrag? Smelrag: Hey why do you keep on calling me Smelrag? It hurts my feelings. Jimmy: Uh...sir? that's your name. Emperor Smelrag the Obese. Smelrag: Oh yeah. What a hell of a thing to forget. That's kinda funny. Anyway, King-man, if that's the case then I'm gonna have to kidnap your family and kill off all of your people. Oh! and I'm gonna throw you in my gladiating pits. Allright, I'll see you later. (Guards seize the King and start to drag him off) King: Hey! watch the pleather! Smelrag: Anyway. Zolctar, c'mere a minute! (Zolctar walks up) Zolctar: yeah. What's up? Smelrag: Listen close, Zolc. I have to explain my evil plan so you can execute it. We need to kill everyone on that guys planet ok? We have a death ray for this purpose, got it? However, it is lacking a part key to its operation that is one of a kind and that I foolishly gave away years ago. The Dynaflex. So, you need to go to Earth, capture Dirk Phoenix, bring him here and find out where he put the Dynaflex. Got it? Zolctar:.....plan? Smelrag:....just get the hell out of here. Scene 5: Phoenix's garage (Dirk is in the garage working on Shaniqua. Sancho comes in.) Sancho: Senor Phoenix, I don't comprehendo. You quit the racing, but you still trabajas on your old Space Racer. Dirk: Well, my blood is in this car, sweet Sancho. Yes, my blood, pus, and urine are in this car. But I can't race anymore, not since... what happened 4 years ago... (flashbacky transition dealy) Scene 6: Space port ground (Dirk and Danny are preparing for a space race) Dirk: Allright son, this is your first space race and I know you're going to make me proud. Danny: Dad, there's something I've got to tell you. Dirk: What? Now? Danny: Dad, I don't want to be a space racer and I never did. I want to be... a flower tender. Dirk: A flower tender?! Of all the homosexual... you gay stupid jackass! You're gonna get in that damned Space Racer and then you're gonna win that damned race! Then, you're gonna find a damned woman and you're gonna make some damned babies! Got it?! (Danny sullenly gets into Shaniqua) Race guy: On your mark, get set, go! (Race guy fires pistol into the air, Space Racers zoom off) Space Announcer 1: It looks like Zolctar the Defiant and young Danny Phoenix are off to an early lead over the others. Announcer 2: Today everyone's watching Danny, the son of champion racer Dirk Phoenix. There are high hopes that he'll do spectacular things in a long and fruitful li- Oh my God!! Danny Phoenix is falling back to the planet! (Shaniqua falls out of the race and towards the planet) ground Dirk: Nooooooo!!!!! (He rushes over to the crashed space racer and cries as he pulls out Danny, who is obviously dead) (Scene transitions to Dirk crying in the present) Scene 7: Dirk's garage Dirk: All he ever wanted was to be a flower tender. (Suddenly two mounties burst into the room) Dirk: mounties!! (The first one tries to punch Dirk, but he grabs his arm, twists him around, elbows him in the stomach and then the face. The other one he kicks in the kneecap, and while he's staggering around Dirk grabs a bust of somebody and smacks him over the head with it, knocking him unconscious or dead) Zolctar: Don't move, Phoenix! (Zolctar and 4 mounties enter the room with guns trained on Dirk and Sancho. Dirk and Sancho raise their arms) Dirk: Zolctar! So you're behind this. Zolctar: Dirk, it's been a long time. I've come for the Dynaflex. Where is it? Dirk: I'll never tell you. Zolctar: Oh? (Zolctar takes out his laser yo-yo and decapitates Sancho with it) Dirk: Nooooo! Sancho! Dear sweet Sancho. Zolctar: Take him away! The torture chamber will change his mind. Ha Ha Ha!!! (Zolctar snaps his fingers and 2 mounties grab Dirk) Dirk: Whoa, did you train these guys to grab someone whenever you snap your fingers? Zolctar: Heh. Yeah. Dirk: That's awesome, I want some thugs. (The mounties drag Dirk away) Zolctar: Oh, Dirk. I think I'm gonna take your space racer too. Allright? Scene 8: Throneroom (mounties bring in captured Princess) Princess: Smelrag, you jerkface!! Nobody kidnaps me! My father the King will save me! Smelrag: Yeah, but that's neither here nor there. Anyway, I've decided that I'm going to you as my wife. Random Girl: You bastard! You said that you loved me! (runs away crying) Jimmy: Uhhh...sir. Me and the other lackies have been meaning to talk to you. Smelrag: Huh, what do you mean? Jimmy: Well...it's about the women you've been uhhhh... "pursuing" lately. You see, you're a large slimy disgusting beast. These women are all young, attractive girls with good complexions. We think you'd be happier with other smelly, repulsive, sweaty aliens. Smelrag: I see what you're saying, but she's really, really hot. Princess: Hey, it doesn't matter. I'm not gonna marry you anyway. Smelrag: We'll see about that! Throw her in the dungeon with that lean, muscular, financially stable Space Racer. Then we'll see how you feel. Jimmy: Chief, I don't think that's gonna work. Smelrag: Yes it will, stupid. (Mounties take Princess away) Scene 9: Jail cell (Dirk is sitting in jail cell when Princess is thrown in with him. Dirk stands up. They look at each other for a minute) Dirk: Hi, I'm Dirk Phoeni- (Suddenly black screen which says 27 minutes later on it which then lifts to show Dirk and Princess in bed together) Dirk: Ahhhhhhhhhhh. So, Princess. What's your name? Princess: Mantrap. Princess Mantrap. Dirk: oooooh, right. I think I'll just call you Princess. Anyway, you're the Princess of Chocolate Planet, huh. Is there a lot of chocolate there or something? Princess: No. Dirk: Oh, ok. (Suddenly Mounties burst in and grab Dirk) Mounties: come with us! Dirk: awwww crap. Scene 10: Torture chamber (Dirk is tied to some sort of torture apparatus by two mounties, Zolctar is turned around standing in the darkness) Zolctar: I hear that you've been a bad little girl and you must be punished. (snaps whip) Dirk: What? Zolctar: Dirk? Dirk: Zolctar? (Zolctar turns around and throws whip away) Zolctar: Oh real funny, guys. Mounty: (snickers) Heh, got ya! Zolctar: Allright, Phoenix, where's the Dynaflex! Dirk: I...thought you had it. Zolctar: What? Mounty: Boss, wait. You have the Dynaflex? Other Mounty: Then what the hell are we doing here? Zolctar: Shutup! Shutup! No, he has the Dynaflex! Dirk: Hey, who're you going to trust? Me or him? (Mounties look perplexed) Zolctar: That's it! (Zolctar pulls out the Princess and a gun) Princess: Uhhhh... hey. Dirk: Hey Princess. Zolctar: I don't know why we bother with the initial interrogation. We always end up threatening a loved one anyway. So where's the Dynaflex? Dirk: Oh, it's on a shelf in my garage. I'm surprised you guys didn't see it when you captured me. Zolctar: Well, son of a bitch. Allright, I'm gonna go get it. Can you guys throw the Princess back in jail and Dirk into the gladiatorial arena? Thanks. (Mounties drag Dirk off) Dirk: How the hell many times am I going to be dragged somewhere? Scene 11: Arena (Dirk is dragged into a giant arena. He is given a sword) Smelrag: Hey dere, Dirk. Long time no see. Welcome to the Space-Canada arena! Dirk: Uh oh, anachronism. (A man with a sword, Rick, walks out to Dirk) Rick: Defend yourself, Phoenix! (A fierce sword fight begins with an attack by Rick. Dirk parries and they start thrusting and parrying and all that junk. They move about the arena until finally) Rick: I admit it- you are better than I am. Dirk: Then why are you smiling? Rick: Because I know something you don't know. Dirk: And what is that? Rick: I am not right-handed. (Rick switches to left hand) (Rick begins to win the sword fight, forcing Dirk to retreat) Dirk: There's something I aught to tell you. Rick: What? you are also not right-handed? Dirk: No. (Dirk pulls out a gun and shoots Rick dead) Dirk: You've been punk'd. (Then there is a montage of Dirk defeating several different opponents in the arena including Russel Crowe) Smelrag: Hmmmmmm... good work, Dirk... heh that rhimes. but not even you can withstand the dreaded Space Bear of Algornath, New Jersey!! (Space Bear, which is two dogs tied together, walks out) Space Bear: Roooaarrrr!!!! Dirk: Ahhhhhhhhh!!! (Dirk dodges and parries Space Bear until finally he chops it in half) Smelrag: Damn you, Dirk Phoenix!!!!!!!!! Scene 12: Dirk's garage (Zolctar walks around looking for awhile in the garage until he finally beholds the Dynaflex. He looks at it for awhile and then takes it and holds it up) Zolctar: Now I posess the Dynaflex! Ah hahahahahhahahahhahaha!!!! Scene 13: Arena (Dirk is standing there with his sword) Smelrag: Dirk, you have one more opponent to face, the King of Chocolate Planet!!! (King walks out with a sword. There is a tense scene where the opponents staring at eachother, waiting for one of them to make a move) King: No. (King throws his sword to the ground. and turns toward Smelrag away from Dirk. Dirk runs up and slashes at the King, who is only saved because he made a step towards Smelrag, oblivious of Dirk's attack) King: I will not fight this man. Dirk: (aside) He wouldn't say that if he knew what I did with his daughter. Smelrag: If you will not fight, then both of you will die! (Mounties above the arena aim weapons at Dirk and King) (King suddenly grabs his sword and chucks it at a mounty. The mounty is impaled, and he drops his gun into the arena. The King immediately picks it up and starts shooting at the mounties. The shit hits the fan as everyone starts shooting) Dirk: I'll go rescue the Princess! (Dirk runs off as King battles the Mounties) (Smelrag, realizing his peril, runs off too) Scene 14: Jail cell (Dirk runs into the prison. A mounty comes near with a gun. Dirk knocks the gun out of the way with his sword and then stabs him and takes the gun. Another mounty comes up and Dirk stabs him and then shoots him.) Princess: It's...you! Dirk: My name is Dirk. Princess: Yeah, I know. (Dirk rams through the prison gate with only his body) Princess: Why didn't you do that earlier? Dirk: Well because...(ponders for a while)...Son of a shit. Allright, let's get out of here. (They run off) Scene 15: Streets of Space-Canada (King is walking along. Three mounties run up to him at different times. He shoots them all calmly.) King: Die scum! Eat lead! Screw you! (The last mounty is hit in the face with his gun rather than shot) Random guy 1: Crap, he's kicking their asses. Random guy 2: These Space-Canadians are friggin pansies, why'd we let them rule over us so long? Random guy 1: Yeah, we should revolt! (Random guys start picking up things and throwing them down again and kicking lamp posts and the like) Scene 16: Throneroom Jimmy: Emperor, the peasants are revolting! Smelrag: Awwww crap. Well, we had a good run. What say we get the hell out of here. (King bursts in) King: Not so fast, Smelrag. Smelrag: Guards, kill him! Jimmy: Oh, yeah, Smelrag. That's my bad. I got all the guards at my house. They're recementing that damn driveway of mine. Smelrag: Oh. ummmm... you want to fight him then? Jimmy: I can't see why not. (Jimmy walks offscreen. A couple of smashing noises are heard and then) Jimmy: Oh no! I'm on fire! (Smelrag looks disconcerted. King then walks up and stabs him with an American flag) Smelrag: Oh, the terrible irony! (Smelrag dies) Scene 17: Spaceport (Dirk and Princess arive at the Space port. Random chaos and fire is happening. Zolctar's ship comes flying out of space and lands. Zolctar gets out.) Zolctar: Hey, Dirk. What the heck's going on here? Dirk: I think the Emperor's dead. Zolctar: Huh, no kidding? So the planet's probably tumbling into anarchy then, huh? I guess that I should take the Dynaflex then and go to that death ray and kill everyone in a last act of spitefullness, then. Dirk: You fool! No one man can control the Dynaflex! Zolctar: Somebody needs to write this better. (Zolctar gets back into his ship and flies off) Dirk: Allright, I'm lost. What's he gonna do with that thing? Princess: He's going to use it to activate a Death Ray that will kill everyone on my planet. Dirk: Oh. That sucks. Princess: Damn, if only there was some way to catch up with him and stop him. But he's a champion space racer in the fastest ship in the fleet. There's no way to stop him. Dirk: ...No. There is one way. I must Space Race one last time! (Dirk runs up to Shaniqua and pulls out the futuristic shirt and puts it on) Dirk: Goodbye, Princess. Princess: Good luck, Dirk. (Dirk gets in) Dirk: Allright, Shaniqua. Let's get it on! Shaniqua: Mmmmm Hmmmm! I've been waiting a long time to hear you say that! (car starts and flies off) Scene 18: Outer Space Zolctar's car and then Space (Zolctar is heading through space when he notices Dirk coming up behind him) Zolctar's car Zolctar: Phoenix, so its come down to this. Shaniqua Dirk: I've beat you once, Zolctar and I'll beat you again. Zolctar's car Zolctar: Oh yeah? Well I killed your son. Shaniqua Dirk: That was you? I thought it was an accident. Zolctar's car Zolctar: No, it was me. I sabotaged his ship. Shaniqua Dirk: All he ever wanted was to be a flower tender. Space (Zolctar suddenly speeds ahead. Dirk falls behind until he is eventually out of sight) Zolctar's car (Zolctar looks out to see he is coming up on the Death Ray) Zolctar: Finally, I beat him! I beat Dirk Phoenix! I, Zolctar, the Defiant am invincable!!!! Space (Suddenly Dirk comes out of nowhere from above heading straight towards Zolctar) Zolctar's ship Zolctar: What??? Nooo!!!!! Space (Shaniqua crashes into Zolctar's car, sending Zolctar flying off course) Zolctar's car Zolctar: I surrender!!!!!! Space (Zolctar's car spectacularly blows up) (Dirk then crashes into the Death Ray which similarly spins away and blows up) Shaniqua (Dirk looks around as warning lights and sirens flash around his car) Space (Shaniqua, damaged, crashes towards the surface of Chocolate Planet) Scene 19: Chocolate Planet (Shaniqua creates a huge dust cloud as it crashes into the planet. As soon as Shaniqua comes to a stop Dirk falls out of her injured. He crawls for a little while and then reaches out to a lone flower, but he dies before his hand gets. there) (The End) (Credits) Scene 20: Dirk's garage (It is night time, the camera moves slowly around Dirk's garage studying everything in it until it comes to a stop focused on Sancho's severed head. There is an eerie moment where nothing happens and then suddenly Sancho winks. Then everything goes black.)