Once America was a land overflowing with heroic figures. Men like George Washington, who kicked ass 24 hours a day. Admittedly I never asked George, but I would bet dollars to francs (or whatever French people use for money) that he dreamed about beating up British people, especially their king. I know I do. George Washington did crap with his life like winning independence and forming the coolest country ever. I fear now though that after the tragic passing of our leader, Shemp, all of our nation’s heroes have finally died out.
Now I am not one of you hippie Bush bashers but lets face it, he just doesn’t measure up to the President’s of the past. What has Bush done recently? Fight some impoverished third world Arabs? Whoa don’t strain yourself big guy, I mean come on, my dog could lead the invasion of Iraq. If someone like James Polk were our President not only would we be blasting Iraq - after all their citizens look like the people who attacked the World Trade Center - but we would also be doing cool things like taking over Mexico and Canada.
Which brings me to the next hero, Abraham Lincoln. When he wasn’t ending civil wars or bringing about civil equality he was out chopping down cherry trees, giving the environment what it deserves. Lincoln wasn’t like politicians of today, who are all about being politically correct and not offending anyone. Like in that story when Lincoln cuts down a cherry tree and his father is like “Who cut down my tree?” And Lincoln was all like “Shut up you dumb hippie” and cut down his father. I forget the ending of the story but I am pretty sure it goes something like that.
My point is this we must take the warning given to us by our forefathers and realize that if we do not imitate their level of awesomeness, or even surpass it, we will be doomed to be conquered by the ligers. Another benefit is that if we had more awesome heroes we would have something good on the news. So instead of coming home to hear how Michael Jackson was molesting lawn furniture - or children, I forget which - you would hear about how some cool American was violating Saddam Hussein’s human rights by throwing ninja stars (stars like on the flag) at him for the amusement of children.
This is my first post here, so if it sucked…blow me. To take me up on this offer give me a call at (911) 875-4128 and no you don’t have to dial 1 in front of the area code.
By Captain Insano