Lately, the amount of obsessed fans e-mailing me with their worshipful praise and offers of sexual favors has decreased slightly, and so I feel it is time to once again remind everyone how awesome I, Captain Insano (and of course the entire ALA) truly is. To try and convey my awesomeness, I will tell you all a story about the time I foiled Liger Plot of Evil 2336, known to some as the Microsoft-Hutt connection.
It was about noon when I woke up and I was confused by a complete lack of smells coming into my room. This was most unusual, as normally a throng of beautiful women would be preparing me breakfast at this hour, and I frowned. I quickly got dressed, choosing this morning to wear blue jeans and the type of shirt known as the “wife beater”. I opened the door of my room and peered out.
“Women?” I yelled “Breakfast wenches are you there?” No answer. I walked into my living room to see a half eaten box of Pizza Hut pizza lying in the middle of the room. I was becoming even more upset; the breakfast wenches should have picked this up. That’s when I noticed a shiny object in the pizza box: a CD.
It wasn’t any ordinary CD either, it was an installation disk for Windows ME but there was something different about this disk. The words ME were slightly faded and beneath them I could barely make out a 9 and an 8. Just as I realized what it meant, a crash came from the window behind me. LIGERS!!!!
Through the window jumped a dozen ligers and following the 12 beasts from hell was a gigantic black liger. I knew this fiend well, Nefario. “So we meet again demon” I growled.
“And this time foolish human I will have your SOUL” Nefario gave a feral shout and his band of ligers attacked me. With all the speed and confidence the French do not posses I spun around and grabbed a tomahawk from where it was embedded in my wall. With one cool motion I hurled the tomahawk straight into a liger’s skull. Then the living room in my house became a blur of Liger claws and human hands (mine).
Blood spattered everywhere as all the ligers except for Nefario went down. “PETA was wrong” I said “Hurting animals IS fun”. Nefario pulled a rocket launcher from a hidden pocket in his fur.
“You know too much Insano” he proclaimed and fired the rocket. At that instant a girl scout rang the doorbell. “Mister? I have cookies to sell you” She called with her girly little voice. As the rocket zoomed towards me I knew peace, I saw the innocent smiling face of the Girl Scout and discovered the beautiful harmony and joy inside that one young child. I knew then what I had to do.
With unthinkable speed I leapt to the door and grabbed the Girl Scout. I took the tiniest instant to aim and then I hurled her into the path of the oncoming rocket. “I don’t pay for my cookies bitch”.
I ran out the door, but my way was barred by none other than JABBA THE HUTT! With a weird gurgle, the monstrous blob called out “Yes, Insano, Microsoft hired me to convert their Windows 98 CDs into the Windows 2000 and ME CDs”.
“No” I gasped “but, the programs seemed so different”
Jaba gurgled. I heard Nefario sneaking up behind me and I knew I had to act. “But what does this have to do with the ligers” I asked.
A high pitched whine came from behind me “I’ll show you that” and as I turned to look I saw Nefario walking on his hind legs. Nefario put on a mask, a mask that made him look exactly like William Gates. “It all makes sense now” I said. It was time to end this little party.
As Nefario closed in on me from behind and Jaba oozed forward I knew I had to do something fast. At that exact moment who should walk into the scene but Captain Ahab, “Have you seen me Dick” he asked. “Thar she blows” I cried pointing Jaba. Ahab confused the Hutt with a whale and stabbed Jaba right in the blob with a harpoon.
“So its down to you and me Nefario” I smirked. Nefario turned and ran. I sprinted after him when all of a sudden he vanished into a puff of smoke. “Well played Nefario…Well played”.
And that is how I, Captain Insano, foiled the Liger plot of evil 2336. Now everyone resume sending me your praise and sexual offers.